Sunday, February 21, 2010

My World Keeps Getting Smaller

I know I've cracked someone, when I've done my job exceptionally well, that the only thing they have left to say is "fuck you". That's when I know I've won.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Strange Things Happen in States of Pessimism

I'm going to warn anyone who reads this now: you need to get your cigarettes, your coffee, and a comfy chair. This is epically long, but I think it may be important.

Some information: The Indians say that every single person is born within the medicine wheel, and they are born with the characteristics that coincides with the part of the medicine wheel they're born in. Every person will travel the medicine wheel, and they will go through life, death, and rebirth. Along the way, each person will travel through each quadrant of the medicine wheel and be taught the attribute associated with it.

Keep this in mind as you read, and if you find it relevant, research it, and figure out where you are.

I've been spending the majority of my time on schoolwork- in fact, since school started back, I've averaged 4, maybe 5 hours of sleep a night, regardless of whether or not I have school the next day. It may be killing me. But recently, I've had a variety of other things to tear my attention away from my studies.
There was a baby born last week, and the girl claims it to be my oldest nephew's child. She had done her best in the past year to manipulate him into just accepting that it was his child without a DNA test. This resulted in a great deal of fighting between them, and many, many hours spent on the phone between him and I- me calming him first, and then formulating a plan to counteract her. When the baby was born, she raised another fit. His mother (not my sister) was doing her absolute best to ignore it and hope it would all go away because she didn't want to be embarrassed at her church. So, he called me and my mother to come up there for support and to help him get all the DNA business underway. My mother and I went, and while subversively getting business in order, we also did good PR work- just in case it is really his baby.
While I was there, I also commenced in cleaning my invalid grandmother's house. Apparently, no one who lives within 15-20 minutes of her is taking very good care of her, which angers me greatly. I live 5 and a half hours away. I've resolved that I'm going to start going up there more than once a month because she would never have let any of us live in such circumstances as I found her: her house was filthy. And when I say filthy, I mean there was fuzzy brown dirt/mold stuff on all the woodwork in her house, and huge chunks of mold growing on her bathtub and toilet. I don't normally use clorox for anything (because it's poisonous and bad for the environment), but I used an entire gallon to clean her house- from the floors to the ceiling. She has food, and Meals on Wheels also stops by every day to deliver her dinner. Sometimes she's able to cook, but not usually. She's not in good shape anyway, and someone needs to spend more time with her. I wish it could be me- but I can't completely drop everything to do it, which is really what would be required.
I have also had the displeasure of having to go visit a good friend of mine in the hospital. She's 19 years old, and she's got stage four clear cell sarcoma, one of the rarest cancers in the world. This is her second time around with cancer in her short life. She's fighting, but she's so sick. As heartbreaking as she is, her mother is the one that can move you to tears. She's in this all alone- it's just her and my friend- and she's already lost two children. She's having to put up the brave, strong, positive front to her daughter, and she's got no one to turn to for extra support. I listened to her all last night while my friend was passed out, let her cry. And after, I responded to all she said with positivity, hugs, holding her hands. I gave her my phone number, and made her promise to call me if she needs anything. I'm going to be going to see my friend every week, maybe twice a week, until the end of this thing- whichever way it turns. And I'm going to be the voice of positive thinking because that's what they need in these dark times.
I defended a man to a preacher last night in my class. The preacher is in one of my classes, and he was telling us about this man in his congregation that's older, around 70 or 80, that had been in jail for killing his wife. Since his release from prison, the man had been very active in the church. And the preacher said he was afraid of him, that he didn't want to talk to him, because he was scared of him. My immediate response was: "Preacher, don't judge the man. You don't know what happened. You don't even know if he really did it. Go talk to the man, find out his story." And it took him aback for a second- how rarely does it happen that a preacher gets told to reserve his judgement, especially from a 24 year old? And the Preacher Man and I have become friends, despite my terrible distaste for social organized Christianity.
These are all terribly negative things, things that I think many people deserve until I see someone I care about get them. I'm finding that I'm an idiot of huge magnitudes. I want these things to be selective- just for the people that are truly awful- and they affect people who are conventional or superb characters. Never, ever does this happen to the ones that really deserve it.
In all of this darkness, I (one of the darkest, most cynical and pessimistic people alive) have suddenly become the voice of live and let live, positive thinking, and all good things. It's a strange thing and it's a strange feeling for me to experience. I hate all these terrible things that are happening to people I know and love- and suddenly, when faced with situations that mirror my attitudes, I change to the polar opposite. This isn't really about me at all, nothing ever has been. I'm no martyr. I'm not a particularly good person. I'm becoming more human than I used to be. I'm holding my breath and holding out my hands to these people, and I'm going to try to help them through all this mess, and I'm going to get through my mess too.

And when all this is over, I'll never be hungry again. Lol

Monday, February 8, 2010

Moving Along

It's been a good year for football- Alabama won the college arena and the Saints won the pro. I'm content with that. Too bad my years don't oscillate with the winnings of football; it'd be a great year if that's the way it worked.
As it is, it's not really a bad year. I'm just overworked and broke, and I can barely justify bitching about it since I'm the one that elected to take 17 credit hours. I should've just taken the four classes, but nooooooo- my impatience got the best of me. That little voice that says "I want it done now!" always gets me in trouble. And as for broke, I'd like to know who isn't. I'd like to get cozy with them, maybe see if someone could take care of my electric bill.
There's some hope at the end of all this, though, that I can get out of this mess and into another mess that's slightly more comfortable.

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to look forward to anymore. I look ahead and I see the same scenery for proverbial miles. My mother told me when I was a kid that I should slow down and take some time to do everything otherwise there'd be nothing left later. Well, she was right, and my impatience bit me again. I'm not sure what sort of exhilerating experience I'm supposed to have now. I miss the days when life seemed fresh every single morning, before they all started melting together. Is this just a part of not being a kid, or is it something I've done? I'm not sure, but I bet if I had more hours a day to get all the things done that I needed to get done, things could be different.
I know I'm in a pickle when I can't wait to take a walk by myself- two weeks from now. Because that's the only free time I have. Sometimes I think that it wouldn't be a bad idea to throw away all the things I know I should do and just do what I want to do. It's oh-so tempting because then life would be far more enjoyable, but I always remind myself that there'd still be a piece missing: that college degree I've been wanting and literally working for since I was five.
I suppose it was paranoid, but I pushed myself to always make As in elementary school because I was convinced that a college would go all the way back in my school career, see that I'd made a C in a math class, and then deny me entry. When I was in middle school, I had a sneaking suspicion that they wouldn't go back that far, or even to middle school- but I made good grades anyway, just in case. I got in highschool, and found out that that's when the grades really mattered, and while I was still making good grades, I was also too hellbent on having fun to really care. Why this all-consuming drive for a college degree? I watched my brothers struggle without one- I watched one try to live on 10 bucks a week after his ex-wife cleaned him out in child support every month. I watched another do basically the same thing. I watched them work shitty jobs that they hated just to pay the bills, and I listened to my parents talk about how disappointed they were that they didn't finish college and how their lives might have been better if they had've. I also listened to my parents talk about how much potential they'd had, what amazing kids they were, how they did everything right where it counted. If all those things aren't an inspiration, I don't know what is.
My biggest inspiration these days? My empty wallet and my head full of hope that it can be fixed.