Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Saucy Ladies

Women always have those days when they've got a particular "thing" going on with them. They wake up, and it feels like a snake has climbed up their spine. Its head creeps all the way up into their head, and it whispers "give me the attention I want...I crave it so badly..." Since it's awoken and moved up the spine, the woman's hips have been freed so that they can swing in such a way that it almost looks like a careless invitation...but believe, it's all control. There's a twinkle in the lady's eye, but it's not hers: it belongs to the snake. But on these days, it doesn't matter. They are one in the same. They're looking for victims, maybe several, to fall to their charms and submit to their whims and desires. These are the days when they look so good in their clothes that men can't possibly see how they could look bad without them. She smiles like she knows something you don't. Her every move, every sound is carefully monitored and unleashed at exactly the right time to get her exactly what she wants....whatever that may be. Some are looking only for the attention that the snake tells them to go for, the kind that makes them believe they are indeed conquerors of men. Some women look to become goddesses in the eyes of men....and still others intend to vanquish the world between their thighs.

Monday, August 30, 2010

There's People I'm Thankful For, and Things I'm Glad I Did

This is indeed another one of those "shit's gotten bad, so I'm going to remind myself that there are good things" posts. If you don't want to read it, don't. This blog is more for me than you.

1. I'm glad Ben and I sat in the parking lot of work until 3 AM listening to music.
2. I'm glad Gavin is such a good friend; he always reminds me that he's always there for me- and actually follows through with his word.
3. I'm glad my dogs are so concerned with my happiness that they will persist doing silly things until I smile and love on them in a happy way instead of a sad way.
4. I'm glad I fought for Lilly.
5. I'm glad that I have enough stories that people find me interesting- yesterday, when I walked into work, a man said "So, anymore interesting stories today?" and looking genuinely excited to hear them.
6. Strangely enough, I'm actually glad for one of my co-workers, Kristen. She's got this way about her that makes me feel better, and like I have a "sister" again, in a way. She reminds me that someone is indeed watching.
7. Here's to long-lost classmates- they make me feel better, especially when they tell me that they had the biggest crush on me in 7th grade.
8. I'm glad that I've had such an education- and I don't mean school so much. My travels, my mom, watching other folks, etc has taught me so much more than I bargained for.
9. A man told me yesterday that my skin reminded him of coffee that someone had added creamer to. Score. How often does a woman get complimented on her skin color, especially when it hasn't been faked through tanning or bleaching?
10. Thank you California Raisins and Marvin Gaye. You forever changed the way I think about the rumour mill....
11. I'm glad I have a mother and father that love me unconditionally and are willing to go as far as they need to for my good. What sweeter love or higher compliment is there than someone believing that you are indeed worth every little bit?
12. I'm glad for my friend Amber. She's just awesome, and I wish I could show her that I love her more and be a better friend to her. I'm trying to fill a void that is impossibly amazing.
13. I'm glad for my friend Brennan, and I miss her terribly. True story, though, she does still come visit me. Last night when I was on my way home and feeling so sad I could've crawled under a rock, I heard her say to me (irritably) "Why do you want to die when you have the chance to live? I'd do anything to be you."
14. I am glad that i have learned that I am not simply a race, ethnicity, or any other adjective. I am human. I have been liberated from the confines of a broken society.

This probably would seem to be a silly idea to most people, but it is good therapy. It's a form of "count your blessings" that isn't so fucking irritating. I can't tell you how much I hate smartass people that go off on a self-righteous rant about how spoiled you are because you have more than the kids in Africa and usually end with some sage advice like "so, eat your peas". I've been doing this for years- sitting down and writing out the good things to counteract the bad. Nothing gets rid of darkness better than the rays of daylight.

Saturday, August 28, 2010


Ready for the picture of irony? Okay, here it is:

Girl driving to her parents' house to present them with her double Honors Associates Degrees and her Certificate of PTK, it's raining, "Rocketman" by Elton John is playing, she has 42 dollars to last her 2 weeks, and she doesn't have a job to speak of.

Did she cry? Absolutely.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


I've been thinking about Layla a lot lately. She is an Arabic heroine of ancient times, famed for her beauty, notorious for her steadfast refusal to follow her father's orders. Everyone wanted Layla- she was everything any man ever wanted, but she had nothing for them. See, she fell in love with a poor man that her father didn't approve of. He fell for her, too, and there would be no one else for him. They were the original Romeo and Juliet of sorts....they died for the sake of their forbidden love. I'm not sure if theirs is a cautionary tale or one of inspiration...perhaps both. If you're going to die for something, make it a worthwhile cause...
As Priam says in the movie Troy: I have fought many wars. Some for land, some for glory. I guess it makes more sense to fight for love."
Isn't it the truth?

My new job isn't what I expected it to be- at all. I have to admit, it has fallen from grace. My boss is an excellent salesman; in fact, one could say I've been duped by my own kind...what sounds like one thing really is another. The most astere example of this: he said "I want you in this particular job"....which sounds a lot like "This is what you're going to be doing". What you aren't necessarily hearing is the rest of the second sentence, which is: "if you jump through all these hoops for 30 days, first." I, like an idiot, accepted what he said at face value. I didn't realize he intended to start me at the bottom and move me to said "wanted" position in 30 days. So, now, I have to do something that I swore I'd never do for 30 days......be a salesperson. Not even a clerk- a salesperson. I won't lie, it's a little heartbreaking to have my little glass palace shattered so quickly, but whatever......it's more money that what I have been doing. I can't complain about that. There are such perks, such as I'm rediscovering what it's like to be social again. I've hung out with someone I know- without doing homework- TWICE this week.
Ah, such is life. Nothing is rose-colored but the dreams of children and teens....

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I Tried to Tell You.....

I try to warn folks- you know, the whole don't-make-the-same-mistakes-I-did thing. Sadly, people don't listen. For some reason I have yet to figure out, people seem to think I lack the credentials to know what the fuck I'm talking about. For some, it seems to be because I'm "young" (by the way, there's a ridiculous amount of old fucks out there that don't know what they're doing or talking about- look at Fox News if you don't believe me) or because I'm female, or something. Don't know what it is, but I've decided if you're unwilling to listen then you aren't worthy of the fucking time it takes for me to talk to you about some stupid shit that's probably going to at least fuck up your day, if not your entire life.
I tried to tell someone the other day that people engage actively in two activities that keep them from living in the present moment to see what they're doing to themselves. 1)They're overly concerned over what happened in the past and how past events and decisions have shaped them- so much so that they seem to miss that they're just self-perpetuating a vicious circle because tomorrow they're gonna do the same shit- look back and go "what the hell just happened?" instead of living in the moment and stopping shit from getting bad right now. OR, 2) They're overly concerned over shit that hasn't even happened yet.

Now, I ask you, what's the point in worrying over milk you haven't even gotten out of the fucking refridgerator, much less spilled?????

Think about it, then tell me I don't have any fucking sense or any credentials. BUDDHA TAUGHT THE SAME LESSON.

That being said, I am guilty of having a very hard time following my own commonsense. I worry about what's going to happen to me, to my dogs, and I wonder what the hell happened to me. I used to be someone else...this person I am now didn't exist. I have been reinvented, reimagined, revamped, downgraded, something. But, I am smarter. I became what I am because life happened to me- that makes me a goddamn expert of looking out for bad ideas. And these days I think I'm so damn important that I can't unwrap myself out of my own little life to give a damn and two hoots about someone else. But, once upon a time...I dreamed of something better, and I lived it everyday, not caring about what happened, forgiving. How does Life justify itself when it reaches in and rips out all the good shit in someone?

Sunday, August 15, 2010

An Evening Alone

I won't lie, I love nights when it's just me and the dogs, a glass of tea, and some good music. I know Significant Other reads this thing from time to time, so the word to him is this: Don't be pissed. Normal people like time to themselves. It's not about you. It's about me getting my reset without having to smoke a doob. Leave it be.
I'm currently sitting on my couch. The dogs are in various states of relaxation all around me. Norah Jones "What Am I To You?" is playing from the laptop. The only thing I wish for right now is a window open and there be some rain. Really, that's optional. Right now is perfect just how it is. No joke.

Is it terrible that I get a great deal of satisfaction from knowing that my ex-boyfriends all ended up with terribly ugly women? Is it also terrible that I laughed out loud when I looked at pictures on facebook of my most recent important ex (from two years ago), and he's sitting by this terribly hideous Jabba-the-Hutt type creature that is his girlfriend and he looks absolutely miserable? Even if it is terrible, I don't care. I'm still gonna laugh and have my moment of satisfaction that he apparently can't do better. It's great for the ego.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

A Laundry Breakdown

I did laundry for ten hours yesterday, after a marathon of housecleaning. Why would anyone ever subject themselves to this? Because neither had been done in about a week. I go to my parents to do laundry because my washer/dryer unit died...last year. And I've never had the money to replace either since. I had to take care of my parents' dogs (they had to leave on some emergency business), so it was super beneficial. And then I looked at the stack of Rolling Stone magazines that I've neglected for the past four months...and thus, my day was filled. I fed and played with a brother-sister pair of Jack Russells, changed loads over every hour, and read two Rolling Stones.
I'm usually a fast reader, but with an RS I like to take my time, savor it slow. It's a combination of my greatest loves- music and reading. I got my first issue when I was nine years old, and I'm pretty sure that if a nine year old girl could cream her pants over something, then I would've over that magazine. It was such a novel idea to me- an entire magazine devoted to music. All these years later, I'm still reading them, slowly, usually with a glass of tea or some coffee- I used to lay in bed, smoke, drink coffee, and read them. Why? Because it sounded as luxurious as it was ludicrous.
But about 10:30 last night, a wave of sadness washed over me as I realized that I'd spent my entire day off working, and sneaking in moments of happiness....further into my pity party, I had the thought that this was all my life was going to be: working my ass off for long periods of time and sneaking in happiness. It was a terribly sad idea. What ever happened to enjoying life? I still haven't decided that there isn't a great deal of logic behind my mini depression moment. I guess I just get to choose how much thought I allow it to consume. And all this happened because I spent the whole day doing laundry. Then one of the hoses on my Jeep's engines blew, and the night became just a little more annoying. I guess it wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't wanted to celebrate graduating. I've worked so hard for it. But, no one would ever respond to text messages....so I guess it wasn't that important to them. *sigh Whatever. I'll just let it go....like I do everything else.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

"What Happened To Her?" Answer: "Life."

Today was a good day. I had my last exam (which I posted about earlier), and now I can look forward to figuring out what to do with my life. I'm not entirely sure where to go from here. I stand in sharp contrast to most everyone I know that is my age. Most of my generation, and especially among those that I know) has settled with (or settled for) children, possibly a spouse. They've locked themselves into a very clear future- they will live in this place, with these people, have children, and work in this profession.....for forever.
As one girl said to me earlier today: "I still live on West Street. I'll probably always live here, and I'll die here." She's lived on West Street since she was three months old, first with her grandparents, now with her husband and son. She's going to business college. She thinks it's wonderful- and I do too, honestly. That's a great deal of security in a very, very insecure world. It must be great to look out upon the vastness of time and know that it's gonna be a pretty good ride- maybe not the most thrilling, but nothing that you can't handle. She is doing what millions, perhaps billions, have done before her- there's nothing wrong with that. But still, for me, it means that I have one less role model. I do not walk the path of certainty. I never have.
Life to me is fluid. That means that one thing will lead to another, but that I'm not guaranteed a meandering stream...when storms come, it can become a raging, out-of-control river.
I have recalled many times this moment in my life: I was sixteen years old, and I fervently prayed to God that I would be allowed to really live, to please not let me just be passing through, but let me see it all. Well, I would say that my prayer was answered. I have not gone the way of the herd. But I find that going my own way is daunting- not because I'm afraid of it, because I'm certainly not. But I don't know what to do or where to go next. Picking and choosing destiny is a perilous activity, and therefore I give a lot of pause to making decisions, and I won't lie, I wait for signs...someone will know better than I.
I'm not so smart that I don't know that I'm secretly stupid, that my mind, for all it's sharpness and mountains of facts and logic and processes, is inept at grasping the true magnitude of possibility.
So, while everyone follows the prescription for a happy life, I'm left standing in a somewhat less certain position. What I am sure of, while we're all going this way and that, is that we're all going to go wanting for something someday. I also know that my life will be an adventure, and that upon my death I will be able to smile.


I just completed my last final literally moments ago. I can't tell you the amount of relief I feel right now. I'm not sure what to do anymore- school has been the center of my life for a long time. But, damn it feels good to be done...at least until I decide to go back.
So, now, I'm going to go home and crash. I haven't slept in a few days. Then, I'm going to get up, clean the house, and cook dinner for my friend Amber, who is coming over. Then...I don't know what I'll do with myself. Maybe I'll go to the beach Thursday. Maybe I won't do anything (gasp!) at all. The point is that I don't have to do school work- and that's the most important point I can make.
But, thank God, the Great War of the Grades is over. It's time for a new beginning.

Monday, August 9, 2010

The Signs of an Age

I can't tell you how often I'm told I'm an old woman trapped in a young woman's body. I can tell you it happens more than once a week, usually not more than once a day. Someone will tell me I'm far too wise to be so young, that I'm like their grandmother or mother...a friend of mine always said when she looked at me out of the corner of her eye that she always saw an old lady's face. In short, it seems that no one thinks of me being 24, not even me, and despite the fact that I look like I might be 20 at the most. Apparently, I don't believe myself to be so young either. As I looked through an Avon catalog last night and came upon the "anti-aging" stuff, I announced out loud that I needed some of that stuff.
Now, you must know, I'm the anti-beauty campaign poster child. I have three, sometimes four habits that one could consider vain.
1. I, on a rare ocassion, will wear makeup.
2. I use olive oil to remove that makeup, but I also use it around my eyes to repair the skin.
3. I wax my eyebrows like some people go to church: fervently and on a regular basis.
4. I buff my nails every week, but it's mostly to keep them from constantly breaking. The sparkle is just an added bonus.
Otherwise, anything i do is basic hygiene, and there's nothing vain about that. In fact, I forget about beauty all together unless it smacks me in the face, like when I look at catalogs or magazines. It is only then that I am reminded that I am not a supermodel and that in fact, I fall way short of their glory (these thoughts happen enough though the saner side of me says "this isn't real anyway...they're all airbrushed). It is thus that I live the power of the almight advertisement empire.
I wonder sometimes how so many of us girls/women make it through life with any self-esteem left intact. I mean, I was a slave to it as a new teenager: I ended up with an eating disorder (mainly that I just didn't eat...ever), an endorphin/exercise addiction, a cigarette addiction, a love for diet pills, and a very unhealthy idea of how to live because of the image industry- all by the time I was 14. And even though I did all these things in an effort to be beautiful, it was so I could be "more beautiful"...it wasn't that I wasn't pretty to begin with, I just wanted to be prettier. I hated how much work it was, but I did it, because there was nothing my ego wanted more than to know every man was looking at me and wishing....And sadly, this is because I was overrun by hormones and misguided by pop culture. As a side note, I never dressed like I was a hooker...I did take my mother's sage advice that I should always leave things to the imagination, because a prize behind the door is much more exciting than the one in your lap already. By 15, I had snapped out of most of it. I quit exercising obsessively, I started eating again, I quit taking diet pills (except when I needed to stay up to study, and it wasn't a habit I dropped completely until I was 20), and I began a slow steady climb out of the abyss of mass media generated beauty hell.
I am glad that I have no children. If I had a daughter, I would worry about what the beauty industry would do to her, too. I would worry that she would feel like she needed that appreciation from men to have a boosted ego. I would worry that she would do terrible things trying to live up to a standard that is fake and furthermore perpetrated by men, who will never be enslaved to its many habits and rituals, but will further enslave their sons to believe that the pictures of women in magazines are the epitome of beauty.
Where does the cycle end? And will I ever be free? I, who at the ripe age of 24, decided I needed anti-aging products?
The rationalizing process was awesome. Here's how it went:
Significant Other: You really don't need any of that. I mean, when I met you, I figured you were probably 18, definitely no more than 20. I was shocked when you told me you were 23. "
Me: "Yes, so, if I use this stuff, I look like jailbait now, avoid some hassle, and when I'm 70, I'll look freaking awesome." Then it dawned on me: I wouldn't avoid hassle, I would just trade one set of problems for another. And, more importantly, 70 years old is 46 years away. I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. I can't commit to dinner at a certain time or even shaving my legs everyday. I won't commit to be with someone until I'm 70- why would I give such a commitment to a product? I won't. I'm too lazy for all that, and too free. Besides, I'm going to age. Might as well look awesome at 70 because I use olive oil to clean and repair my skin instead of 90 bajillion chemical products that could harm as much as help.
Eh, we'll all get old and ugly on the outside someday. May as well be beautiful on the inside....it lasts longer.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Lovely Finds

I love sales in stores. I adore them, really, for so many reasons. I love to peruse the stacks of things on clearance- the hunt is half the battle. I also love not paying full price. In fact, I do everything possible to never do such a thing- this is accomplished by hunting the sales and by making friends in the stores that I want things from. Yesterday, though, I came across a particularly good find at the local Kirklands- a cherry wood etegere. It was sitting in the back corner, like a misfit toy, with a sticker on it that said "$25 AS IS". I checked the original price- $100. I further examined the piece- the wood is in good shape, nothing is broken...then I give it a shake and it almost falls over. A-ha. So, I examine further and find that there are no pieces missing, it was just put together terribly....nothing that I couldn't fix. In short, I took it to the front counter and told the lady that I wanted it. She looked at it and said "well, we have one in the back that's in excellent shape", to which I replied "nope, I want this one." Apparently there was enough resolution in my voice that she didn't try to argue. I happily brought it home in two pieces (because it literally was put together that badly), and today I put it back together (with a little help from Significant Other)....and it's as sturdy as it should be, and beautiful. It is seldom that one can profit from another's laziness or ineptitude (whichever was the reason that it was so shoddily put together), so I consider this a super find. Beautiful and cheap because of human error.
I also found flowers made out of wood shavings for two dollars- wild roses, to be exact, and a really pretty iron candle holder that has been made to be a working ferris wheel! To top it off, I found some really pretty wall art for entirely too much....so I went to Michael's and surprise! Five 16x20 canvases for $20. I bought those, too, and a bottle of acrylic gesso....there are now two canvases in my house properly gessoed and just waiting for finals to be over so that I may paint to my heart's content.
All of this, as silly as it may be, makes me kinda happy. Yay for retail therapy!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Eat, Pray, Love

I just finished this book by Elizabeth Gilbert. Amazing story. I want to do what she does. I want to walk away from a life fallout and go to Italy and India and Indonesia. It would be amazing. This book affected me in ways that I can't exactly explain at this moment because I don't really have the words to describe such a feeling. Something shifted...that's about all I can say.
I've started learning some new songs on the piano. I've decided to quit school for a while so that I can get myself together...I can't take anymore of life as it currently is. There is no sweetness in this spot, and hasn't been in a long time. I'm going to look for a yoga instructor somewhere around here and take up the practice again...I left it off when my life fell apart last. I've resolved to have peace around me. I'm thinking of selling everything I own, giving the important things to my parents, and the dogs and I hitting the road until we find somewhere to be. I probably won't do it. I just have to do something....because if you chase life this hard for this long, eventually it will kill you.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Blasts From the Past

You know, Facebook is not a bad thing.
I have recently been looked up by two people in particular that I haven't spoken to in years- literally years. One girl is from Iowa, and we were friends when we were in the third grade. We haven't spoken until today....SIXTEEN years later. It's nice to know that I made such an impression that I'm worth looking up after so much time. The other is a guy I knew when we were just coming into teenagedom- he's a really nice guy, always has been. It was lovely to talk to him, too.
So, while I sit here and wonder away at what to do, the past comes to me. What does that mean?