Monday, January 16, 2012

A New Year, A New Dream, A New Goal

It's been a long time since I've written here. I've had a lot of things that required more time and attention than the time I spent writing, reading, or really anything else.
I've spent almost four years trying to gather myself, trying to re-realize who and what I am and what I'm capable of. It takes time, it's a process.
I have a wonderful job- I love my boss, and I like what I'm doing. It's taught me a lot, really, about things. It has restored some of the fight that I had in me. And it is teaching me about process. My sainted mom has been telling me since I was a child that I can't make everything happen overnight, that I need to be more patient, that I should respect that there is a process involved in everything. My motto this year is "Life is not an event, it is a process." I've been totally made and broken by living like it's an event- extreme highs and lows, a hallmark of my persona. I don't want that anymore, I haven't wanted that for a long time, and I think I've finally gotten it together well enough to have some real control over myself and the events that happen in the process of living.
Going to school isn't news- I've gone to school for years before establishing this blog, and have remained in school since. But now, I have a real concrete goal in mind: I'm going to get my business degree in economics and go to law school. It's a viable form for me to have peace with myself, have a career that I can enjoy and excel at, and it's a way that I can have the positive change that I want to have- become the change I want to see in the world. It's going to require a lot of discipline that I'm still restoring, but it'll be there. It's happening now, and it's process with a goal in mind.
The problem I've always have with creating goals is that they're so lofty that I already have it in the back of my mind that I can't actually achieve them, but even if I fail I would have gone farther than most. I look at that now and know that's absolutely effing ridiculous- what sense does it make to set yourself up to fail like that? Law school is a reach, but it's not so far that it's not possible.
I've also started dedicated real time to restoring my body now that I've restored a good portion of my soul. It feels good to work out and look in the mirror and see obvious positive changes. I liked being a head-turner. The problem I've had for a long time is that I felt so old in my soul and in my brain that my body also felt old and I felt that it was wasteful to spend time trying to restore something so old and worn. The reality is that I'm 26. I'm a long way from old, even if I feel like it, but I will never be old if I don't take care of the business of my health, which deteriorated in ways that should never occur in a body my age. So, I've started working on that before it's too late to save it.
My soul is another story. I've restored myself a great deal in the past four years, but I can honestly say, living in the South makes me feel far away from the Divine. I find no place to go for that connection. Here, people are dedicated to their churches and their bullshit rules and judgements, not God. I cannot, will not enter a church of any description here. I still have to figure out what to do about that. I don't necessarily need a church, but I do want to share that experience with someone else because nothing delights me more than sharing a great experience with someone. I love to watch another experience happiness- it brings me more joy than having it for myself.

It's a process. It's a matter of learning and living.