Tuesday, July 27, 2010

I'm Plagued By Doubt

"God does not guide the wrongdoers."
-The Koran, Sura 62

I'm not a Muslim, Christian, Jew, Witch, or any other person of religious affliliation, but I still read all the holy books; in fact, my previous knowledge of these works has been very beneficial as we've studied them throughout most of my literature course this summer. The Koran was the last that I had to read, and while doing so I had the question of what to do with myself mulling evermore in the back of my head (and the raven said "nevermore). I envy those that have things laid out in front of them, those that do not wallow in a quandry as I do. Such is not the state of my life, nor has it ever been, and I wonder why. Is it because I have the attributes to live in uncertainty without going absolutely crazy and many do not? Is it something I did or didn't do? I pray to the Universe to smile upon me, to shine on the way in front of me, and still she turns a blind eye. I am not angry about this- I just figure I deserve it. I do not believe that I know better than the Cosmic Order, and so I entertain the idea that maybe I'm not supposed to do anything I think I'm supposed to do. Maybe I've been doing it all wrong, and God has thrown up H(er/is) hands in disgust and said "okay, then, asshole, you figure it out if you think you're so awesome and don't need to listen."
I do not know what to do with myself- I do not know whether to be a farmer or a doctor, I do not trust my temperament, I do not trust my judgement (because I really don't think I have a damn clue), and I don't know how to best satiate my desires and do what is best for the common good (not that the common good has ever been aligned with what would be good for me especially). I was raised to have a tribal mind, and thus I live in such a fashion- but the tribe has all but dissolved, and I know not what my place should be.
It disgusts me to confess this, but I envy my cousin her happiness, the simpleness of her life. She is married to a man that holds her in the highest esteem and has always treated her exceptionally well, who served in the military. They have a baby girl they love beyond all things. She works a 9 to 5. They enjoy Sunday dinners together, and they never work on major holidays, but instead get to enjoy each other as a family. They have a nice life.
I do not want to be a mother or a wife, but I miss having a family. I don't really have one of those anymore, and without it, I wander aimlessly. We have broken and scattered, like heavy pottery dropped too hard on the floor. Never before have I seen us in such a state- things got bad, and instead of banding together as we have always done, we flew apart like atoms with the same charge instead of reciprocal. And without them....I have no place in my world.
So, in conclusion, God is not guiding me, but it's not because I am a wrongdoer. God does what God is supposed to do as it should be done....so I guess it's time that I play the waiting game. I just really wish God wouldn't make me pass my life by working such a terrible job and wondering how to feed myself and my dogs. And I really hope God will not always keep me in such a position that I can do nothing for the people I care about- there are few things more wretched that watching suffering and being able to do nothing about it.

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