You know, sometimes folks come along in life that are there for a reason. Sometimes they're there to help, sometimes to serve as a reminder....sometimes you're the one that came along to do something for someone.
For instance, I reconnected with a girl I haven't really talked to since high school. She moved to Boston right after graduation, attended Emerson, got a degree in Film and American Sign Language, and now works on Harvard Square as a bartender. She also "came out" as they say, and is happily living her life as the most authentic version of Kim I've ever known. (Yes, I knew she was homosexual in high school, even while she was bouncing around trying to avoid it.) Normally, this is a woman who will spend hours bullshitting with you before she gets down to brass tacks....but apparently, this has changed. She went right for business after years of a lack of communication. She told me to read The Secret. It's a book about positive affirmation, and she really believes I need that in my life, and she urged me to read it. Mind you, she really knows nothing about me anymore. She just felt the need to tell me to read this book. *Sigh So I guess I'll break down and do it...sometime. I just feel really weird picking up New Age books- it was something that I long ago decided to put down...and here I am back to it.
But, I am waiting for a sign and for intelligence I don't have. I'm waiting for the Universe to point me in a direction because this is one thing that I don't have. I almost look at Kim as the future, though....I could have her kind of peace.
And then there's this man-friend of mine that reminds me of my past and present. He's beautiful inside and out- and my emphasis is not on how he looks, but his brain and his soul. He's a good person, it's fairly evident, and in being a good person, he invites the wolf in because he feels bad that it's out in the rain. It's a mistake I've made countless times. Compassion doesn't seem to work so well anymore; I think Gandhi would be saddened if he saw the price that's been placed on compassion in this world. It seems that if you're a kind and compassionate person, you are going to be slaughtered in this world.
But, you know, sometimes you have to be willing to die to stay authentic to your being. My desperation to stay alive has deadened me. But, dead things provide the compost for new things to grow in....it's springtime in the day of my soul. I hope the buds can make it through the frost.