Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Exclamation Points in a Deep Well

There are always moments when we surprise ourselves- and a few a-ha moments that make us giggle. Here's a few of them for today:

After Cynthia and I talk about animal cruelty, and she explains to me that she gets worked up because she feels so overwhelmed and helpless by it, I tell her if she wants to do something about it, volunteer at an animal shelter once a week. Then: "Sometimes the best donation in the world is love." Yeah, me, I said that. Surprised the hell out of me, too. I don't know that anyone would call me sage- but then, I don't know anyone who actually listens to me either, besides maybe Cynthia, who pronounced me wise, and asked how I got so wise at such a young age. Like I said, I don't really think I'm all that wise.

Once again at work, I was vacuuming, and I noticed that the dirtiest aisles are the ones Christian books are on- and I giggled. Dirty Christians. Seems so appropriate. They seem to be the ones with the most mud on their shoes lately. I'm not sure what that says about them.

I've been dragging my feet about getting on with my life. It's time to stop. I mean, shit, I may be 24, and hopefully I've got a long life ahead of me, but having a lot of time doesn't mean it's something to be squandered. Time is a hot commodity, and one we're always going to find ourselves short of.
But really, I do sometimes find myself holding onto edifices that are crumbling...just because I'm afraid of what will happen after I let go. Sometimes...it's better to let go. I'm good about this most of the time...I just seem to be a little hung up this time.
I watched Zack and Miri Make a Porno today...and it was awesome as always. I heart me some Seth Rogen! And for whatever reason, I find it a very comforting story, porn making and all. It's nice to believe that maybe there are indeed friends out there like that, and I can't deny that there's a lovely sense of comraderie when their power and water get turned off in the middle of winter. Been there. I'm glad someone else has too- makes me feel like less of a loser. It sucks to work your ass off and have nothing to show for it- not even clean hair. But, no, I never bought hockey skates instead of paying my bills.
I know I pour desperation into this thing so often. It's the secret feeling I have- I put on airs of being together and handling everything with a cool hand. But I still haven't shaken the feeling that I'm just one week away from being screwed.
My dad told me today about a guy he worked with that rented a condo in Panama City for a weekend (1200 dollars for two nights) and then blew lots of money on stuff, and bought a 250 dollar tattoo. He had to borrow 1.25 from my dad to get a drink to go with his lunch. I can't imagine ever doing that- I think mostly because when I hear 1200 dollar, I think "I could pay rent for four months on that". And to think that I felt guilty earlier today for a 25 dollar bar tab and 2.16 for pens!

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