I've been floundering- it's one of those moments in life when all the plans fell through and you're left going "okay....what now?"
Being the person I am, I felt the stab of rejection pretty bad- but my attitude bounced back by the end of the day and I said "F#$k you, Tulane. You'll be sorry one day when you can't claim me as alumni."
But, even though my attitude and perseverance came back, my well-laid plan was blown to bits, and so it was time to formulate a new one....Tulane was a dream, and I formulated around that. So, how to formulate differently? The hypothesis to test: what college is best for an environmental science degree and how do I get there?
I pondered this for a while- and then I went back to my roots: books. I've been reading all the literature I can find on the "green" industry, and "green jobs"- because my heart, my passion, lies in saving the world- and us- from ourselves. Then, armed with new information, I started doing what I knew best to do: testing. I took the OCEAN personality test, the motivation test, the stress test, all the career tests I could find (these were in a book I already owned but had rarely even attempted to crack), etc. Then, it was on to Collegeboard.com to put it to the test: find the colleges that can serve all my desires and needs.
I said earlier today that I'd taken time off work and had nothing to show for it. My feeling of accomplishment tonight says otherwise. I feel like I figured out a bit more about myself, I'm armed with new knowledge, and my compass is finally pointing in a direction again. It's just time for discovery.
If you look at my system, it's clear that I'm supposed to be a scientist- I used the scientific method, for heaven's sake, to redefine myself and figure out what to do.
There's a lady, Miss Cynthia, that comes into the store all the time. She's been working on her doctorate degree while I've been in school also. I've occassionally helped her out with menial details, and I'm thrilled that she finished- she's too amazing not to finish. She came in the other night, and per usual, we talked about school. She said "don't ever let anything get in your way of finishing school. You're too brilliant, too gifted, too valuable to the world to not finish. You can do so much. We need you. Don't let anything stand in your way." Hearing this really helped me- I believe all of it anyway, but hearing that someone else believes it too....it helps so much. There's few people around that I truly respect, and fewer still that I consider to be my intellectual superiors: she's one of the few that fit that bill. And if she believes it, if she says it, it's probably true. Thank you, Miss Cynthia for your vote of confidence and faith. It was much needed and very much appreciated.
I'm back on the road to discovery and waiting with eager anticipation to see how things unfold. I've been working towards a dream for a very, very, very long time- it's logical that there will be setbacks. But, dammit, I will get there. There is nothing on this earth that will ever shut me down. I jokingly say often "if I die, it'll be my own fault, 'cause men have been trying to kill me for years, and not one has even come close to succeeding yet." I believe this. I will leave when I'm finished and when I'm through fighting. I'm not through yet. I will get what I want.
In the words of Scarlett: "So help me God, they're not gonna lick me. I'll get through this, and when it's all over, I'll never go hungry again."
While I'm thanking God for influences, I gotta thank Scarlett. She's been with me for so long. :)
I know I pay homage to so many people on this blog, but you know, it takes the whole global village to make us who we are and what we'll become. I thank God for all the good people I've known, that have strengthened my backbone. Maybe it's time that we all acknowledged the people that got us here. Somebody made the shoes you walk in, after all.